Today I finally went to get professional help from a shrink. It was quite interesting. Some people may feel this is a brave decision and whatnot but I think it’s quite… alright? Life has been boring recently and I feel some kind of changes will be good for me so honestly, I don’t see me going to the doctor is an achievement haha (but I do accept compliments lol).

It wasn’t planned AT ALL. This morning I was already prepared to come to the office. I’ve even stepped my foot in front of the building, but something stopped me. I couldn’t continue to walk into the office building… Well, I’ve arrived around 20mins late (blame it to the slow TransJakarta because I actually went out of the apartment earlier than usual).

Not an easy decision I must say. I had to let my colleagues know and I hate talking with colleagues. But considering what happened to me since last night, I decided to give it a go. I was super sensitive from last night. I couldn’t stop crying (and I did cut myself and googled for simple ways to die, again). The slightest inconvenience makes me drop a tear.

Then I told my partner about it and she actually helped. She tried this Practo app, and I called a few to see if there are any on-call psychs but unfortunately, there was none. I also called the Ciputra Medical but the only psychiatrist on duty was on leave. Man, I never knew if finding psychiatrist can be really hard in Jakarta.

But, one of the perks of having a partner who knows (or coming?) a bit about the psychological industry is… she has friends lol. So she WhatsApp-ed her friend who thankfully is the Founder of this place called Pion Clinician, and voila! I got an appointment booked for 11.30am.

After a few sips of coffee, I went to the place. I didn’t have any expectations coming there, but curiosity. I was somehow excited? Like what this new person gonna learn about me from our conversation? Do I really need help?? Because honestly, I don’t think I need help… everybody has problems in their life and they can go on, so I supposedly can do that as well.

The session was interesting. At first, I felt lost. “What am I doing??”, “what should I talk about??”

I don’t know what to say to the doctor… and it made me want to bang my head because it felt so heavy and cramped, like having this big adjustable wrench, clasped so tightly on the head. Thank goodness she kept questioning me, I thought she was gonna give up lol (which I completely understand…) and it finally made me opened up bit by bit.

In the end, she gave me a bit of homework. One is to write a journal every night. Well, so if you’re reading this, welcome to my new daily project! I really hope I can do it right and… see you tomorrow.

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