Have you ever lost something you hold very dearly?
Some people say you’ll feel sad and maybe you’ll cry and cry and cry.
Well I just lost it but it doesn’t feel like those people say. In fact I don’t really feel anything. Everything is just bland. It’s like.. You laugh at this joke, but the laugh sounds weird. Feels like laughing is not natural. Your lips maybe smiling and all but… you know something’s off.
You eat. But not because of you’re hungry. You eat because without you realize it’s already 5 PM and you know your stomach hasn’t receive anything since yesterday. And then you get out. Meal is finally in front of you. It’s weird because somehow choosing what you want to eat is easier today. And you know it’s because everything tastes the same. Even you’ll be okay eating your least favorite food. Can’t taste it anyway.
You can only just swallow like two spoons of it maybe. And you know you have to eat more because your body needs it to work. So you decide to order something you know you usually love to eat. The waiter comes again with your favorite food and prepare it in front of you.
You feel a little bit excited. But when you smell it, you just don’t smell anything. Your favorite food smells just like air. Nothing. So you try to season it with pepper, hot sauce, and everything but it doesn’t work. “That’s weird”, you think. You force yourself to eat two spoons more.
You come to a friend and she asks why it happened. You say “I don’t know. It just happened.” And then she gives you a hug but.. when her skin touches yours, it doesn’t feel comforting. In fact it hurts so you say, “No. Don’t touch me.”
She talks and you just don’t understand. Your head is preoccupied with something, you don’t even know what. So you just listen and maybe speak a bit, common sense so your friend doesn’t feel like you ignore her. But then it actually feels nice to have someone. It’s like averting your thoughts.
And then she tells you that your lips are cracked. You remember you haven’t drink since… you don’t even know when. She gives you water and without you realize, you drink it like a horse. And you drink some more. And more.
It feels kinda nice a little bit. A small reminder that you’re still a human being. But not really. You do things just because you have to. You know you’re alive but everything doesn’t seem real. A distortion. Alive but not living.
I hate this. My neck hurts so bad.
